Rock Bottom

The needle of my gas gauge was a tick below empty as I drove home from work today.  I was about to stop at the nearest gas station down the street from my job but the price was $4.09/gallon for unleaded.  I decided to keep driving to a more populated area where the gas prices may be a little more competitive, all the while praying that I had enough fumes in the tank to propel my car there.

Some people stress about running out of gas but it has happened to me so many times, in so many different locales, that I don't even bat an eye.  I once infamously backed up traffic off a highway entrance ramp because that's where my car ran out of gas.  I had to walk to the nearest store I could find, a paint and wallpaper business, and ask them, sheepishly, if they had a gas can.  I then walked another half mile with that borrowed gas can to a gas station where I tried to pay for gas.  All four of my credit cards were declined and I had no cash.  The clerk let me fill up the gas can and made me leave my license as collateral. I got the gas into my car only to drive to my grandmother's house, where she loaned me the money.  That was 11 years ago and today, I almost had a similar episode.  

I stopped at the gas station with the least repulsing prices ($3.99/gallon) and walked up to the register to pay.  I tried to put $35.00 on the pump ... but my debit card was declined.  As I felt warm waves of pure embarrassment wash over me, I thought to myself, "not again, I can't be hitting rock bottom."  Knowing that the only other form of payment I had was a credit card at its limit, I asked the woman at the register to run my card through for $30.00.  This time, thankfully, it was accepted.  I slunk back out to my car and fought back tears as I pumped the equivalent of 7 gallons of gas into my car, not even a half a tank.  It was only when I got home that the waterworks let loose.    

So why am I in this situation?  As I've eluded to in previous posts, I'm a poor financial planner and I foolishly spend money that I don't have.  In my late teens and early 20's it was laughable that my credit was bad.  My card was always the one getting declined when me and my friends went out to dinner, but now, at 30, it is just sad. I've been on a debt diet for several months now and like all diets, I've reached a true breaking point.  I am craving to consume.  I drive by my favorite stores every day and wish I was in them, shopping 'till I dropped. I'm a shopaholic going through extreme fits of withdrawal and it is not fun.  

So why am I being so honest?  Alcoholics have to go through a 12 step program to get sober.  I feel in some ways like I am going through the same process.

Step 1:  Admit I am powerless over spending 

Step 2:  Come to believe that a strict financial plan can restore my sanity

Step 3:  Make a decision to turn my will over to the care of Cash, not Credit

Step 4:  Deep moral searching

Step 5:  Admit to myself and other human beings the exact nature of my wrongs (the purpose of this post) 

Step 6:  Be ready to remove these defects of my character

Step 7:  Humbly ask the credit card companies to lower my credit line and (maybe) lower my interest rate

Step 8:  Make a list of all persons I have harmed through my careless spending habits

Step 9:  Make direct amends to those persons

Step 10:  Continue to take personal inventory, and when I am wrong, promptly admit it

Step 11:  Improve conscious contact with my husband's financial advisor, who I have been avoiding

Step 12:  Carry my message to other shopaholics and bad financial planners

Admittedly, the Alcoholics Anonymous 12 step process is heavily centered around God and a renewal of spiritual faith but I am not religious.  So, I tried to make my 12 steps more to fit my lifestyle.  

Well, that was difficult to write, but liberating as well.  Now I just have to take it one day at a time and possibly find another part-time job.