50 Shades of ... blech

Courtesy: thinkprogress.org

I finally caved to the pressure and purchased a copy of "Fifty Shades of Grey," the New York Times best seller that has every woman and their mother buzzing. I had resolved myself to not reading it. I dismissed it like the "Twilight" series after I read some poor reviews on Amazon.com.

However, I watched an interview with the author, E.L. James, on the Today show and my friend was so hyped about the book this weekend that I thought, what the hell? I mean, James is a British television executive, which puts her in a totally different category from housewife turned vampire romance novelist Stephenie Meyer. Maybe this woman can actually write.

Also, the erotic content piqued my interest. I won't lie, as a teenage girl I totally stole all of my mom's romance novels, read them cover to cover and dogeared the "dirty" pages. However, this book is "50 shades of fucked up" (not my words, but a direct quote from the mercurial character of Christian Grey) and not in a good way.

First, the book is written in first person, which is such an annoyance. Due to the fact that the heroine, Anastasia Steele, tells the story in her own voice, you never really get a good idea of what she looks like. She also carries on a constant conversation with her abusive, nagging subconscious and her mute, mentally challenged "inner goddess." On the other hand, the author spends ample time describing the handsome Christian Grey. However, Grey is more like a caricature than a character. He is a sexual dominant who is searching for the perfect "sub" or submissive but then he gets all doe-eyed and weak-kneed around his beguiling Ana who ... IS. SO. SWEET. Please.

Grey is supposed to be this alpha male, billionaire playboy with a dark, deviant sexual past yet he follows around this low self-esteem blob like a lost puppy. I have read plenty a romance novel. The alpha male as the main character is standard procedure. However, the heroine is usually a little more self-assured, even headstrong. Ana is just naive and annoying. What any man, especially an alpha male like Grey, would see in her is a mystery to me. This book could break so much new ground and could turn the classic romance novel on its head but it falls into the same trappings.

Grey is a dominant with a "playroom" and boundless amounts of ball-gags, restraints, and leather whips. He even writes up a contract for his subs to sign. Yet, he falls under the spell of a virgin and decides to throw his contract and his aloofness out the window when she wants "more."

Possibly I am unable to suspend my disbelief because of the present-day setting of this novel. Its always easier to think that anything can happen in the Victorian-era or somewhere further away than Seattle circa 2011. The one thing that is believable is Ana's trepidation when it comes to entering a relationship with the dark and mysterious Mr. Grey. Any sane woman would have run the other way the first time a man mentioned signing "paperwork" before fooling around. That is clearly a red flag. However, I've never been privy to a real dom/sub relationship so I wouldn't know. Also, Ana's fear that she is becoming a "whore" is completely justified. Anyone who buys you an Audi, a computer, a Blackberry, clothes and an antique book set in one week is probably expecting a little more out of you than just cuddling.

My favorite part was the end of the book, where the love story actually doesn't work out. Of course, there are two more books in this trilogy that I refuse to submit myself to. I'm guessing these star-crossed lovers wind up together in the end, but thankfully, I won't have to read about it. Nope, its one and done for me.

I've always compared the romance novel to the heavy metal rock ballad. Its all well and good when you're singing about how much you love a woman within the span of a 4 minute song with some powerful guitar and a great chorus. But you know what happens when that song ends? The lead singer forgets about the girl he wrote that song for and he goes and bangs a groupie on the tour bus. I can only wish the same for Anastasia and Christian -- because that's real life.